PAUL HEDDERMAN - TEXT SPEECH
just share basically the premise but let me rip a little bit because you know one of the great statements out of this book I'm not going to specifically stay in the book but which I saw as a diagnostic of what every day's like for every person here and it says basically hey you and I are the dreaming of this dream yeah we forget that we're dreaming no that's pretty damn interesting to me how could the Dreaming forget that it's dreaming yeah it's always dreaming how could you forget it yeah so what I found is all right how the dreaming seemingly forgets it in other words it appears to the Dreaming that it's forgotten yeah first of all has to have time to do it it would be impossible for this to seem real without time yeah so you and I on the dreaming of the dream we forget that we're dreaming and I believe how we forget that we're dreaming is we become identified as the dreamt yes and so suddenly as the dreamt now everything that we've been given meaning as the Dreaming suddenly coming through this now suddenly we are the dreaming of the Dreaming we forget that we're dreaming and then suddenly everything we we're dreaming now has the ability to affect us as the dreamt see so basically you can see it let's say there's a thought yeah a thought then there's a sense that it's your thought thought just a thought thought thought now it's held is your thought and now the thought owns you basically yeah one of your thoughts can ruin your day now if I saw the same thought as yours in my head it would not have the ability to rule my day but if I held it as mine it would have the ability it's not the thought yeah it's my dreaming let's at least get to the exact nature of what's happening or because you'll be pointing fingers at imaginary foes really you really will and I mean there's probably in this room at least sitting here we've experimented some of these people in this room for years and spirituality and there's a fail in seeking for what you already are it's bound to fail and that's actually its greatest service yeah if you spend all your time looking for what you are as what you're not it only does what it does it reinforces what you're not this is the whole thing of negation negation this is not about affirming oh well there is this law of a God consciousness it's just seeing are you affirmed all day or how you taking yourself to be to be is so if it isn't so maybe all you need to do is see what you're not and you'll find out that you are what you've been looking for but not as that which is looking yes that's the whole premise the whole premise where they all seem to meet so this first step is negation not affirmation it doesn't do any good for the dreamt to hear that it's the Dreaming what's your screw freaking everything up but it's really uncool if the dreaming here is it's not the dreamt that goes somewhere if the dreamt rise to here it's the one that's dreaming doesn't go anywhere but if the dreaming which is what we are here's that it's not the dream that goes away so my view from doing a lot of stuff and finally finding the Neath the failed nature of it all the corrections were available once you stopped applying the same failed system new systems would be revealed and so the system basically is called negation yeah so non duality and I'll get to recovery also non duality is a simple definition non means not yes and duality means two so there's duality as we see things here and then where we're seeing things here are from art is dualism yeah in other words sometimes you feel like you're the doer yeah sometimes you feel like you're the thinker and sometimes you know what's being thought about yeah sometimes you go home and think about someone else so that's means you're the subject and sometimes that thinking is turned on you and you're seen as an object yeah so there's subject-object miss all day and all that non-duality is saying is that's not true yeah and the point is pointless to try to arrive at what we call conceptually oneness as Tunis Tunis is too big to fit into oneness you have to see there is no Tunis and then you find something else yes I've tried looking for it from - it doesn't freaking work and we have it in our recovery program not in the book but through observation of practitioners of a a self can't get out of self what does what does that freaking mean it's me what you're identified with cannot get out of the identification as the identified yeah self can't get out of self so what's one to do because there's a huge urge to get out of something yeah I mean really it's uncomfortable irritable Restless I want to get out and this is how the system reinforces itself it will allow you to go down so many exits and they're only just entrances back into it because you're wanting to be free as what you're not that's what happened with me and my ninth year sobriety it struck me and now it was just a day you know something that struck me but then it found understanding in the big book really and the understanding came from page 64 because I said we'll just bounce and forth you know it doesn't hey or not it doesn't matter it's all leads well everything everything comes after not Wow yes so there's a statement in the big book of AAA right before we do this inventory process and basically the inventory process is you're going to look at three basic manifestations of self than one's life not you ourselves yeah so this statement is very clear about separating - it says being convinced which means to believe with certainty like right now not I was convinced or I'm going to be convinced being convinced it's a present tense state that self that self manifested in various ways is what has defeated us credibly beautiful statement because it separates us from self it says being convinced that self has defeated us how by my manifestations yeah it doesn't say being convinced that Paul Mary Jim Sue everything and naming every alcoholic manifested in various ways defeated bill Mary Jim and Sue it doesn't say that it says self and us so when I saw this statement I saw self the idea of self as a foreign installment or a pathogen or a parasitical fuckin idea yeah I saw it as other yeah clearly is clear is clearest it's never not been clear since this one day so being convinced that self manifested in various ways what has defeated us we will look at its selfs manifestations all right we're gonna write it down not talk about it but write it down in like a four four column inventory and we're gonna start with resentment you know resentment means to refeel something so we're gonna write down some of our resentments like who are we we said what did they do to us and then looking at how it affected our a little instinctual agenda and then see our own things which is ask four simple questions where am I or was I selfish self seeking frightened inconsiderate and dishonest okay so this is the problem though this is the problem because when you're identified as self when self manifests through you you call the manifestations yours see it's sort of like if Stan Lee manifested through me as Paul and every time one of Stanley's manifestations like anger and shit like that came through me Paul called it mind you would be in the act of being identified as family yes you're not Stanley but you're in the act of being identified as Stanley see this is the whole point you're never ident ever a self you have never annoyed will you ever be a long-lasting independent separate thing you're gonna pass away in 80 years so whatever you may be a hundred years who knows there's gonna be a termination point yeah but the mental state is in the act of being identified as itself all day yeah so it's always verbing that it's a self so when you go into your memories just look in your own life see it might be all you need is five minutes it reveals everything go into memories how are you pictured in memories as a body yes could you remember yourself as spirit three years ago were you in Hawaii as spirit did you catch that big wave of spirit did you buy those sandals for spirit I don't think spirit has shoes or feet yeah so obviously the memories the memory system right is based on you as a body you as a doer you as a think you as a feeler you as dis and this is so insane it actually claims to be consciousness it says I am the seer to hear the feeler the taste or inner touch and that imaginary you has nothing to do with seeing hearing feeling tasting touching ever the see there's so many times you didn't want to see something that you saw because your eyes are open and you're looking at direction consciousness is the basis of life conscious contact yes then the mental state comes after the conscious contacts and says I'm the one who's conscious that's the robbery that happens all day yeah it cannot happen but it can seem to be happening and how it seems to be happening because the mental state says you were Paul as a body you're definitely gonna be pulling the body why would I be so worried about you yeah as a body and therefore you are Paul as a body now it can't derive its own evidence it has to say I was and I will be therefore I am yeah I've seen it I've seen the whole robbery I have no big deal but I've seen it I've seen it from head to toe it's a magic trick in time and what it does is as a great mastery of your Arama tamashii ramen Aloha she is one of my idols he lived in diapers his whole life it was pretty cool live not a nut Mountain never went anywhere hey miss can you not look at the phone thank you yes please because we need to honor even if you don't like it let's honor the possibility yeah so Robin amahi had a beautiful statement to cut sort of to explain this situation and he he puts it in a lot of people wrote about his writing his teachings and in a lot of the books they did this is always mentioned ya and saying it in different ways but phrased as the greatest mystery or the problem so it had some importance in his teachings and it says there's a presupposing of a non-existent thing yeah which is this yeah this is being presupposed it's non-existent thing to be why existing yeah so the consciousness is mixed up with the body have you ever seen anyone you knew dead died didn't you have a hit that wasn't the person you thought it was yeah the body does not enlivened it's like I was mistaken the body for Uncle Fred but when I see the body without uncle Fred in it it was obvious it wasn't the body yes yes when did you like to get to that point now before so when does over your casket would it be cool to know now all right so he says this following is a beautiful statement presupposing with which is a time so you're supposing something but it presupposes itself this is the trick this is the trick you can see it the trick of the illusionary obscuring agent that you call you is done in time yeah so it goes like this there's a presupposing of a non-existent thing that's existing that wants to get salvation for the non-existent thing that's its intent yeah and it says if this is the case this is beautiful if if you're if this is the case your spiritual practices themselves are reinforcing the non-existent thing it's beautiful if this is the case that there's a mistaken identity then all the stuff you're doing to have salvation for that which you're not is reinforcing the reality of what you're not how can they destroy it how can your spiritual practices destroy a non-existent thing yes now to me when I went to talks it was like coming into a spiritual shoe store and some people put out some ideas like a pair of shoes and I put my foot in and some of them fit and I wore my ward yeah and this one was a very powerful statement because it when it downloaded in me just like so I have been trying I had been trying to get out of self as self since I was six years old and you can't transcend an imaginary place as an imaginary character even if you think this is real still has an imaginary non-existent thing you can't transcend it yeah so he says all right it's so beautiful pre supposedly or a non-existent thing and now that you feel taken to be existing at once salvation of cause it wants a lot of stuff from one of them salvation it wants salvation from itself but as itself this is the dilemma yeah it wants to have the experience of its absence but to be there to happen yeah it's a stubborn little drive so he says all right then if this is the case the spiritual practices themselves are reinforcing it not destroying it this fit I've been doing a lot of meditation doing a lot of stuff and it's ceased immediately because I realized these shoes fit yeah and then he a great Zen master I heard he's passed away 1,200 Hoang PO he said you can't use the Buddha to seek the Buddha you can't use mind big mind to seek mind you can't use light to seek white you can try it for eons nothing's gonna happen now if Hawaii PO was here and he was looking at us I would imagine he wouldn't be seeing us as Jill married Paul he would be seeing us as the Buddha so he was attempting to get through Jill to the Buddha and say to the Buddha you can't use yourself to find yourself the Buddha would have no trouble understanding that what's causing the misunderstanding you think you're hearing it at the point of identification you're taking you're hearing the message you can't use the Buddha to seek the Buddha so maybe you may stop doing something that's quite helpful for you as an action figure with just Buddhism I can't do practice Buddhism anymore I'm using the Buddha seek the Buddha the message isn't for you that's the whole point of coming here I'm not talking to you and it's not coming from me I'm throwing it over your head yeah and I can't miss because I'm throwing it at everywhere so I'm throwing at hopefully at what you're not what you are I don't because I know the defense system of what you're not it will catch everything that it comes in contact with and claim to be the one who heard the message that's what nude is the message it's a simple thing of the lion and the Sheep it's just an incredible simple example so there's a lion a mother lion and a cub and they're roaming around and the mother lion gets killed yeah so now the cub is sort of orphaned and it's roamings not doesn't know what's going on he sees this flock of sheep and it starts moving towards the sea now the Sheep know it's Alliance so they get a little bit anxious but they realize it doesn't even for you know it's a lion so it gets ingratiated into the sheep and tries to live like a sheep you know and it's it's out there chewing cud it's not that satisfying you know can't get a good - with those incisors you know it's like gets its hair curled and it's sitting around everyone's talking about who's going to be the next sweater and you know everyone's worried and it's it just keeps trying cuz it doesn't know any better and he meets another sheep a female sheep and they have kids the kids look a little strange but they rationalize that way oh yeah and then he becomes a big sheep elder but always a little dissatisfied as for what it is can't put his finger on it and then one day they're out there eating it on the Savannah and an old lion comes out starts running after the flock and then it sees a young lion from the corner of his eye he thinks is joining them the hunt but then it realizes just running with the Sheep so it fears off and he grabs the young lion throws it over and the young lion goes please miss the lion don't eat me on just the humble seed now the old lines pretty perplexed so he just grabs the young lion by the scruff of the neck brings him over to the waterhole puts both their heads out and the young lion sees the reflections yeah so he gets he's alive yeah then the old lion goes raw it doesn't have to take three months of roaring lessons it's a freaking lion has the ability right it's raw it's yeah now it didn't take any time to be what it already is all that needed to be corrected was its idea of being a sheep he didn't need to hear about being a lion as a sheep it wasn't gonna go anywhere it would be used to reinforce its cheapness it needed to hear about not being a sheep this is where I have trouble with a lot of spiritual direction and talks I think they try to explain and describe what we are but what we're not is hearing it and it doesn't go freakin anywhere it confuses you all you are is love and then you see you don't seem to be all a lot of time during the day it's very fucking frustrating I feel yeah all your just consciousness or give me a break you know this is the thing or there's no free will this thing thinks it has free will I mean really it's whole basis of the whole story is as free will and that whole story's that it's a doer why would you try to convince that to be something it isn't just see you're not that you don't have to keep talking to the Sheep you are lying you're lying you're lying no fucking explain right to the lion appearing as a sheep about what it is to be a sheet and the lion will get hey I'm not that yeah and in that that's how you find out what you are is by seeing what you're not that's the fourth that's the vehicle of negation it's not affirmation we don't talk about you're the ultimate void because it sounds like the void like is in Idaho or somewhere like a thing no all you need to find out is what you're not yeah so here a lot of us are trying to study what we are know what we are experienced what we are just turn it to what you're not study what you're not learn what you're not yeah understand what you're not because the only possibility you will have concerning yourself is to be in room and I'm saying you're being it right now but we just don't think so seriously the thinking is making something that's impossible seem to be solved well we were just at this talk yesterday in Maryland a guy had an 8 month old baby there was that it was the main speaker though no one knew it because the kids there's no one home there's no person or whatever it's just and it's the most freaking attractive thing yeah someone could come with forty thousand dollars worth of clothing thirty thousand dollars worth of plastic surgery the eyes would always go on the baby because it's they're completely there because there's no one there we grew into this freakin idea that we're something and now we want to even if we want to grow out of it we want to grow out of it as to something see this is how everything gets it's just a robbery and I feel like every one of us like it or not has the right to hear a new freaking idea because she's gonna be given the same old same old this is where you're starting and that's where you want to arrive at why does it seem like the more you look the harder it is to find because you are what you're looking for and you're using what you want to look for something else says all the great masters say Francis said it what's looking is what you're looking for how are you gonna get around that what's looking is what you're looking for doesn't say who's looking what's looking yeah and then the great masters you know the seeker is the sort yes it's always always always this way the seeker is the sort that which you're seeking that which you're seeing is or is that it's already so but see it doesn't make any sense to this so just see you're not this and then shit starts making sense so how does the obscuring occur in recovery you can see it obscure occurs the mental state claims that's all it does it claims so conscious context happening they're seeing hearing feeling tasting touching like all day the mental state claims to seeing hearing feeling tasting touching to imply the seer the hero of the Fela the taster and the touch that's what it does so it derives at it being something by claiming what's actually happening so there's thoughts happening it claims the thoughts to imply the thinker yes feelings are happening it tell it uses the feelings to imply a feeler there's not a feeler that's feeling there's feelings that are being used to imply the feeler you see it there's feelings happen from there in and then there's a mental process that uses the feelings to imply a feeling so that which comes after is implied or pre supposed to be before that's the Rob so consciousness is now seen as I'm conscious I'm the one Paul is conscious give me a freakin break this is way before the idea of you will do it after this a little bit yeah yeah I only allow about what one a year one question a year and on certain months so I'm just so claiming so how is the rep house claiming in English represented the word mine yeah my that little feeling so here his thoughts thoughts thoughts all day now the thoughts are claimed to imply something now you call my thoughts so we thought is pointing somewhere yes to the thinker yeah you never see the thinker you just see the thoughts but the thoughts imply there's a thing good yeah have you ever seen the thinker yeah thoughts yes feelings feelings feelings yeah my feelings my feelings my feelings thousands of activities being claimed to imply the one yeah it's a robbery thoughts tell the difference the difference between our thought and my thought is used if you could way thoughts let's say you had a thousand thoughts go through and you wait and let's just make up a number and a yeah so that means you travel with a thousand ounces a day you're used to it could be heavy but you're used to it alright so now you have the same amount of thoughts a thousand but you ant the word mine to it and now it's eight ounces each store yeah so now you're carrying 500 pounds a day yeah not from the thoughts the thoughts are still a thousand thoughts but the my has added a lot of weight to them that's why I said I could be sitting right next to someone who's totally flipping out listening to their thoughts and it doesn't there's no contagion I don't pick it up but if I had the same thoughts screwing her up and I see them as mine they have the ability to screw me up it's the mind you might as well get to the exact nature of what's happening here how are you gonna see if all you're looking is is dispersed you're just looking into holes see see what's happening what's happening is something in the mental arena not my mental is claiming the activities of being alive to imply the one who's alive and so I when you were a kid I was in an abusive situation and so I saw a life is happening basically yeah was I trying to get into the moment no I hadn't entertained the insane insane idea I could be out of a moment was I worried will I be playing next week no I didn't have time set up yet was I asking my mother to come into my bedroom hey how was I playing today mom you think I'm playing you know none of that was going on this all grew into it as the brain developed yes and Sully what happened suddenly that life that is happening is is turned into life's happening to me it's called self sentence you see everything is how it pertains to you and it becomes the addiction really the original addiction when I when I did drugs and alcohol I was just trying to get out of me really I didn't know I was stopped by trying to get out of me as me that means unbelievable and if you see that as the original addiction I did tons of cocaine you know in this life I didn't but in this life tons of drugs but I never thought I was cocaine never at that point no matter how much I did my how much I loved it and how much I would give everything I could get from you and from myself over to it I never took myself to be cocaine we're actually starting at that point were identified as the fixation of the mind it doesn't even get noticed until we get addicted to something else but the addiction of all those other addictions trying to get out of this one we're trying to get out of me as me that's the dilemma yeah it keeps your eating your own town so this idea that I'm speaking about I call it selfing because I don't believe there's any nouns here at all tell you the truth I don't believe nouns I think nouns are derived by claiming verbs really I think there's an action and then it's used to apply the actor I don't think the actor stands alone without claiming actions just don't I don't have that's how I've seen so I call it the selfing which is the mental processes when our attention is not ours personal but attention and interest goes up into their mental processes it catches them in the act of being identified as a thing really so if you going to memories you pictured as a thing if you go through perceptions you're seeing things and you believe other things are seeing you as a thing and if you go into the thought system the thought system it assumes your thing so that's all it's talking about yeah so that attention interest in the mental processes is in the act of being identified as a self now there is no noun self it's a whole verb the act of being identified as is so yeah that's the verb that's the bondage of self it's an activity that their mental state is in and if our attention and interest is given over to it we will experience its pangs and its concerns yes we will take ourselves to be a thing hmm we will take ourselves to be the thinker and then the thoughts can law it so much power over us they can ruin a whole holiday one thought a feeling can ruin your month held as a feeling as the feeling yes an action you can crucify yourself for 30 years for something you thought you did especially under the influence when the step the first step says we were powerless over alcohol and drugs and to me palace would mean you're dancing with the gorilla you're going to stop when the gorilla wants to stop yet the head is still harvesting guilt and shame from all that behavior where has to relief their the only way I could get freed from it is to see I was other than in if I didn't see that I wish I would still be trying to be free as it and that's what it was explained to me I saw that sentence and I saw I was not solved by sword as a parasitical movement or a foreign installment or pathogen doesn't matter mine works in images if you can picture it as other the first possibility that arises if you see it as others I can be free from it and when I entertain that it told me in a flash I had been trying to be free acid since I've been about 5 or 6 years old it explained everything in one second and I saw exactly what those state in itself can't get out of self explained most of my life and you can't use the food to seek the Buddha explained most of my life or what's looking is what you're looking for and it's through the looking for it that you're blind to it that explains a lot of my life yeah and after those things were explained I didn't need tons of commentary or reinforcement my mind entertained the possibilities that were available and it led to certain places which transfer to this or translate as this as traveling lighter basically so I travel lighter and what I'm not for a long long time though and it doesn't mean everything goes great doesn't mean I'm exempt from anything it means I travel lighter through whatever life has in store for me as an action figure people dying I know having white however cancers and shit I can travel light or think with no thought and effort part more of an expression than a chords something changes and this expresses the change and it's very clear to this that it ain't the cause of the change because it had nothing freaking to do with it just like no you and power could relieve me of alcoholism but something relieved me of alcoholism in like a flash March 21st 1988 and I've never had a strong feeling or thought about alcohol or drugs cover the problem does not exist for me today yeah and the way that stabilizes is is is is if you see that you're not the problem then it doesn't exist as you anymore and that can stabilize if it only exists it doesn't exist for you it will again yes you'll have moments where it won't be existing but if it doesn't exist as you then the freedom stabilizes yeah because the root of it is being identified as what you're not and then living from there why need to find yourself as something other than what you are it's a mistaken identity and the same that's the same thing with a a I don't believe obsession itself is the root of the problem I think the mental state that's identified itself to reinforce the identification obsesses over itself all day it has to keep applying a glue to make it look like it's true and it's so amazing the the initial obsession is what claims to have all the other obsessions in your life so obviously it's like Dracula going out to kill vampires you never fuckin questioned vet Dracula yeah you don't see that that's the main obsession is the obsession with being a someone that's it that's the root of it yeah and you'll know it it's the root of it because if you get relief there you'll get relief down the ring the string you will and you'll know the tree by its fruit and the fruit will show you something is something is available and in a sense in a the beautiful thing is it's always available at all times right where you are because you are it no matter what thinking or feeling you are in you looking like this you know we were talking about yesterday what the mind what we are is sort of like a sky big open sky thousands of clouds go through it but none of them affect the sky do they you can have there probably be a July 4th celebration in great barrington but it won't rip the sky open look when you're when a planes flying through the air does it call the tower and say I ran into a big chunk this guy does it know everything happens and allowed the sky allows everything to happen in it but it's not affected by any of it that's what our mind is like and all the effects are from an uncaused condition and they're gonna stop in 80 or 90 years as if they were never happened never happened and they'll be dropped out tonight when you go to deep sleep this whole thing will be a race like an etch-a-sketch and then you wake up and and the agitation shakes it up and you're on another day but there is a solution and you'll know it if it dawns on you you will I mean we don't need outside authorities it'll be your own authority when this hit me it's like an unspoken yes and it's been reverberating ever since and here it turned into the last answer which is a damn good answer because that negates all need for any other answer concerning this topic so if you took a blood test and see what level of spirituality you have in me it's zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero I've lost all interest in this as a topic completely you can't take yourself at the equation you are you're gonna distort as the observation everything that's observed that's what this does it obscures it's like we're a house of mirrors the elongate as we expand the apertures but the aperture facing this way is always brightly opened yes yeah so you have any questions I can go on longer if you want but the question don't think about it yet don't think too much I don't believe it I don't believe there's anyone who reincarnates but again this is dreaming so they can be dreaming of reincarnation and anything goes and dreaming yeah I believe this is dreaming I do not believe this is a dream that would mean it's a thing I believe it's an activity we're dreaming I don't believe anything happened but it all looks like it's always happening I don't think anything culminates into a happening yeah I just don't know but in this dreaming whatever you can imagine can be drugged and I believe you know as Jesus says as you believe so it is that's our role in dreaming so if you believe in reincarnation so it will be for you if you believe that there's aliens so it will be if you believe shamanism and that there's things that are feeding off of us like we feed off of cows and cattle so it is yes in the dreaming but in ultimately for me I don't believe the Dreaming has any reality to it I believe the dreaming is being is is that which is real is dreaming yeah and we have a statement in a a to me that captures it it says false evidence appears real which is an acronym for fear and I believe that's what the narration in one's head is mostly doing all day it's presenting false evidence to that which is real and if we believe it appears to be real because that's what we're doing you yeah false evidence appearing real has to be appearing real to what's real where else would it get a sense of reality other than be given to it by reality which is us that is Paul but as what we are yeah yeah if you read the costs you've got to come to that conclusion and there's a great thing in the course it says hey get this this is pretty interesting hey the brain interprets to the party of which it is apart so if the brain is collating all this information its collating it to the body it's seeing everything from the body's point of view and if you're not a body the message is you're gonna get you will not understand even though you've tried for a long time - it doesn't make any fucking sense to you and if we were here now and I as a kid came in and saw us worrying about next week me as Paul at 4 years old we did what the father let's go outside and play no I can't yes that spirit does not understand what the hell's going on here there's a great thing read on page 468 two paragraphs if I had it I would use it it's one of the greatest negations in the course of miracles and it says hey denying what you are and firm in faith in what you are not that what you're not that you have called yourself you is going to give you all the meaning of life basically and you won't be you won't see any reason to be suspicious unless you've been totally fogged and says addict an alcoholic and an addict alcohol you will know you through denial that any life run on selfs will what your knots will will hardly be accessed for those it won't yes has it no so this is a perfect description two paragraphs of negation it doesn't say one thing about what you are it just talks about what we're not because what you are needs to hear about what it's not because it's taking itself to be that so if that gets clear it will stop it will continue the mental state is going to continue to apply its you but all your stock will not be invested in it anymore your stock will now be invested in we're here we're now and you'll be available and you get frickin gypped you're not gonna be in the back forty when life's packages come you'll be ready they're signing them because you'll be present and available and therefore you'll be of service because why you are present and you are available there's no need to get into a moment because you can't be out of the moment you've never been out of any freaking moment it's a total total total it's unbelievable it's unbelievable that which is the moment thinks it has to get into the Lord that's freaking and saying did you ever read a whole book about how to get into a moment no everyone just reads a few chapters and but what is the next one how to really get into the moment it's speaking it's saying it's an addiction well I could recognize addicts but then I started going to spiritual groups and then I saw a spiritual addiction and it's much sly Mia because no one's going to come up to you and perform an intervention you go on retreat spend thirty five thousand dollars year after year hundreds of thousands of dollars and you'll be sitting there meditating all day they're not with you who's ever running it they know better they're drinking lattes in the back and eat some raw desserts I said yes you will go on and on and on and on it's a perfect business plan they can say may take lifetimes imagine if you order the couch and that they told you that offer oh the cow it may take lifetimes okay oh wait no you say fuck yet give me the couch of my money back and I'm just joking but it's it's true they should have a really a board to to read applications for retreats and if you've done 30 retreats so what you say no you know like the Soup Nazi no retreat for you maybe give the money to something else if it didn't work at the 25th it ain't working on the third first I had it once I was reading a magazine Buddhist magazine tricycle beautiful very nice color laminated great articles they had an op-ed in it from a famous Western meditation teacher and he was talking about this phenomenon he kept having with a lot of his old students they were all getting in touch with him and said hey nothing's happened and I just pulled the fucking emergency brake on the bus I get let me out cancel my subscription why am I gonna keep doing for 25 years where these people just told me it doesn't fucking work you tell me if I have blood pressure it's good to meditate but not for thirteen hours you must think you're going somewhere if you're sitting in Thailand like I did for three weeks not having much food losing a pound a day sitting for 13 hours I wasn't doing that for maintenance of the body brain I was thinking I was going somewhere that's spiritual addiction to me it's just like an any other drug actually it's worse you can't even get a good shot do you believe that someone spontaneously oh it can for sure but so can reading the phone book really if you're the dreaming of the Dreaming you can go any way you want and there's a beautiful statement out of the course which is and then you go back as one of the most soothing statements at least for me and it says you know whether you and I are the dreaming of the Dreaming or the dreaming of the dream yeah and we're gonna dream ourselves out of the dream and as we do the dreams gonna get happier so here is an activity in the Dreaming and hopefully our minds are using this to dream itself out of the Dreaming it's beautiful so you don't have to deny of negated everything as you know in a a everything that I thought had no value has been found to have great value in use and recovery yeah everything I believe here is salvageable if surrendered to the right force and in the course they have the Holy Spirit in a we have the higher power in my view of that idea the Holy Spirit was sort of here's the information we just said that the brain is taking in and interpreting it to the body yeah now this Holy Spirit or the higher power will take the same information and interpret it to the spirit it's unbelievable really what you how you would see it from the body's view or the individual is totally different the same information if it's seen from the spirits point of view it's so beautiful really so this there's all this information being gathered and it pretty it produces a case yeah the mental state has a case against you really it says you've done so many terrible things there's no way you're ever gonna get any you know it says have you been convicted really tons of times and basically we're just waiting out of settings and trying to get some extra crowns or really I mean this is the biggest hook world under is the hook of self yeah so let's say what would happen if that information that was being gathered in and collated and directed by the mental state suddenly there was another supervisor let's say Holy Spirit higher power whatever you want to call it just an aspect of my yeah in the dreaming yeah and now that mind takes the same information but its results are totally vastly different and then you see nothing goes to waste there's nothing that nothing that has not been used even failed systems have shown you that their failed which is incredibly valuable unbelievable valuable to realize that systems value so that you'll be left with your own devices and then realize they're not your devices really what you're going your devices are and your devices and this idea of we manufacture our own misery no we provide the facility for the mental state to manufacture of misery we provide the factory and the mental state uses it to produce misery we're not the producer of the misery we're the recipient of the misery yes we're not the producer of the misery in my view so you can see it in so many beautiful ways and find the ways that trigger a sense beltless like to me all the statements I use over and over again create the same sense I've had when I first read them they're like an avalanche of sense beltless of what a fucking total total absolution from all the imaginary sins you know there's nothing that you and I did that ever lasts oh never leaves a lasting impression on what we are we're not that important really it didn't ever happen yes it seems to be happening that's the atonement the atonement is realizing nothing happened that's why forgiveness can't be perfect because it gives a reality to something that's not real so it leads to atonement which is seeing that nothing ever happens so there's nothing to forgive so what happens you get left exactly like you've always been and then your head would think it arrived there but if it thinks it a ride there when it arrives it says it's always been this way so was there any there wasn't so it's always been this case why not have let a little of it in to this life you're the you're the portal there's no one other than you if it comes through someone else you have you ever shared and then you had an idea what you were saying and people came up to I really liked what you said they tell you and you like that was not anywhere near what I was trying to say so you realize tis your jurisdiction is over here I don't know what you're gonna do with it and I hope you don't fuckin pin it on me either way yeah because I have nothing really to do with it I'm just like a Toyota that something drove the Great Barrier Barrington wherever and then I unloaded something and now I Drive somewhere else I don't get anything out of this that's this my head this body this brain was looking for something for years even though I was clear nothing was happening it still thought I'm gonna get a lot out of nothing and then it really hopefully yours going real a I'm not getting shit this no I mean there's nothing for the action figure in this nothing it can't it can't look back and see it's a head of somebody and not it's nothing like that there's not like oh what's new and non-duality for 2019 nothing the same same same it's just always available at all times just stop looking for the one from the two and let the one see the two and realize it's not that instead of you trying to use the two to get to the one all the while being the one masquerading is to sometimes you say something in my mind is school because I see it just quiets and what's the difference between that and then when you have the aperture you said yeah yeah well the aperture allows a lot of landings to become normal ordinary yeah when the aperture is small the landing may look really big and then mine can make a lot out of that also then you think you've had an epiphany it's so funny if you look at when epiphanies end it you usually coincides with the thought I'm having an epiphany as soon as you show up it seems to be over the fuckin case so what would happen if you had a clarity that when that showed up it wasn't you then you wouldn't even have that really there wouldn't be that desire for an epiphany you'd realize you are what you were hoping to see in the Epiphany at all times yeah but not with all the fireworks see fireworks working with a dark night you need contrast this isn't a contrast it isn't it's Ordinary that's why the mind doesn't see any value in it it's like ordinary dog should awareness you're not you didn't wake up you're inherently awake the mental state would love to wake up because then it would be it waking up this is you're already awake yeah but you just believe in you're not really so then you see you're not that which is believing innate and then it becomes obvious I'm seeing hearing feeling tasting touching with no thought of effort you don't see how can you not see consciousness as a weakness it's conscious and it's not I'm not going to see in classes on you what do I feel you know am I so exhausted I've seen so much today no my eyes may hurt but not that what you see yeah it has an infinite amount of itself and it's demonstrating no thought of effort to be itself why would you believe through thought and effort you would arrive at what's demonstrates no flaw and effort it seems crazy yeah and I really believe most spirituality if they just told the truth about it it's for the body in the brain and it's great meditations fucking great for the nervous system in the brain and maybe and everyone has in a desire maybe the better than Toyota but the Toyotas not going to be a Lamborghini it's not a chariot of the god I don't polish my Toyota 13 hours a day I just make sure I can see through the windshield and guess me where I'm going you know and I honor it and I maintain it but I'm not adoring it and I definitely and this poor thing cannot be the center of the universe it's saying all that light of our mind like a you Sun concentrated will burn whatever it puts itself on can you imagine being constantly thought of you have kids yeah the amount of thoughts that you've had about for your four or five kids doesn't even get close to the amount of thoughts you've had of you thin of you the obsessive itself is unbelievable it's the most gardened the most fertilized the most fucking groomed the most most it is so much interest of attention has been sucked into that black hole yeah so that the wot cannot be so can seem to be so you know it's good to have a little break what you do about nothing so with a a it's so CAA is a way of life that will allow illumination to extend non-duality is the illuminating factor to me but AAA is a wave like psyche when I got struck sober if I wasn't introduced to a the next day that thing would have dissipated probably in two days that surrender that turned into surrendered over time would have been gone by Wednesday probably and I would have probably been used on Thursday it would have just been forgotten but suddenly I had this download and immediately out of out of unseen circumstances I was brought to a a the next morning and I've been going ever since and so AAA allowed in for this to extend without a a without a way of loud life without principles it would have just dissipated like exhaust I saw the demonstration of it I saw that something that my mother wanted to happen the state wanted to happen I wanted to happen like me not wanting to use a drink no human power could do it and something brought it about and so that something wasn't a thing to me and that demonstration because active alcoholism and addiction was the biggest influence of my life up until then I can run over twice by a car one night through due to alcoholism I spent two years and three months in programs been out in and out of jails I laid in the hospital bed for ten fucking runs you know this thing that parasite used me for transportation and took me on a real hellish ride real hellish ride so for something to to appear and stop it in its tracks never have it to regenerate again with any power to me is beyond comprehension you so that was the demonstration in this life and then non-duality was a different kind of fruition of that which was intimated by that demonstration there was a whole lot more the whispers became very loud with the non-duality idea of that yeah so yeah but do I believe I was an addict no do I believe I'm recovered no I think there was addiction and recovery I think everything is burping I do and it's a perfect dualistic statement addiction recovery like two wings of the same butterfly yes we're all having those yeah pendulum swings this way this way we're constantly ebbing and flowing the action figure in a sea of high-lows that's what's happening and yet we want to stop everything from moving and it's sort of like trying to get these books in a row that are on like one of those massage of beds it's just agitated you want you figure if I get my outside circumstances my emotions my finances and like my love and you know and then you reach this is working out at nine o'clock and 902 although all the conditions changed because everything's volatile there's no peace - no matter how hard you put - all that blocks they're not gonna stand yeah it's but this place comes and goes and then we're sitting in agitation they say a thing in Buddhism they said the Four Noble Truths and my little idea of that so the first truth is there's malaise or suffering it's like every dukkha means more like a malaise a vague discomfort right so buddha said you know root of the problem what's causing it is desire okay all right so if you see suffering as that this malaise yeah and then desires what stirring it yeah so to me the original movement of desire is the mental states desire to become and unbecoming so the mental state wants to become a self wants to become a thing separate long-lasting independent yeah and then it wants to unbe come what it believes it is which it isn't like a loser or not lovable so it's constantly wanting to become a nun become like a slinky so one movement generates the other move gentleman generates the other moment so to me that's the initial agitation then a great master and the faith minds you have every faith mind beautiful four-page thing then and in faith mining says you can't use activity to produce stillness that would be activity so here's his agitation looking for peace when it finds peace it gets agitated around it yeah because it's also in time so when it's feeling peace today says why be feeling it tomorrow there goes the peace yes so as soon as the is taken to be the main proponent it affects the whole equation and would keep trying to change the numbers of the equation but not the common number and the really the mathematics of this place the cot the primary number isn't one it's zero it's nothing nothing is the primary number the mental logic the mental math is one us and we're trying to change all the other numbers but keep one in there and it's not going to work it hasn't and it's not going to and it's not going to be more time that's gonna make it work or harder effort because it's not because you're influencing whatever you come in contact with and you don't know how you're influencing it you don't know how the head is using what it's seeing all I know is it's gonna claim it and it's going to use it to imply you and that you is going to be a memory a past and idea and sometimes you'll have 30 years of evidence you're not a loser yet you'll still feel like one fucking every fucking day so you no matter how many times you wash you you never get clean because what you are overrides this you and I outshine circumstances and situations we're giving everything all the meaning it has I've seen it over and over again I see people who are in recovery sitting there thinking they're not recovered you know because they really like to shoot coke but you're not you're here but you know they want to accept that the head won't just wants you out it just wants you out it was one thought to break the surface and compel an action so it can tattoo you with the consequences it just wants you to say out loud one time to your girlfriend or boyfriend I hate you because you had to come through 50 times but you never say it the ones time you say it you go home drink you forget about it but your girlfriend hasn't nor all her friends who she called and now you were tattooed by that one thought because he got out here yes I've been tattooed this came from a thought I got run over 38 years ago and it still hasn't effect on the physicality every spark in second of every day and it was compelled by a thought I was already safely at home it was nothing happening a freezing cold night in Long Island Sunday bar I had been to only a waiter waitress and a bartender I went home 10:30 11:00 my head started going off saying a big party may errupted back there so I drove back there and I never made it across the street a guy ran me over didn't know what he hit so he backed up to see and he ran me over again twice then I came to in a hospital bed and there's Paul in a hospital movie now for fucking 10 months in a 3 by 7 fucking foot world talk and then have you ever had it when something was happened to you and you could not take anymore times a thousand that's what happened to me every fucking day I could not take fucking anymore and yet more kept coming yeah it was just unbelievable so I know what happens when this thing gets to come out here yeah and the only and I'll tell you something what springs it out here is when it's seen as your thought your thought will drive you to do shit that a thought would never do but feeling it's your that has the own because you are the power that idea that we say in recovery you gotta quit playing God it doesn't work yeah what's playing God but the head you wake up in the morning and the thoughts tell you what the day's gonna be you haven't even gotten up yet he's gonna see how it's gonna suck you know fucking and you believe it so you don't go to work and you do get fired you're thinking I'm gonna get fired so he then you get fired right so it's playing God this is the trouble though so then it's that which is playing God which is I'm saying is the quickest process whatever you come in contact with the selfing process is less than a second or two that is so if you're meditating it's going to use the meditation to apply the meditator so fast I believe a process and time could beat it I just don't see it yeah I just don't see it where was I going with that I know I've heard some of this national stuff many years ago I was in the realization I think it was the idea like men personal until it does yeah that's why I'm yeah people call me up three years later and they think I understand it I didn't understand and you know I was practicing you know doing a lot of meditation just never came up I had a urine from outside myself and when I did hear it though it registered I knew I entertained it and I stopped going to hear about it and I just listened to what was happening and it verified itself completely and how it did it really informed me that everything it was warning me about I've been in for so many years I was using the Buddha to seek the Buddha I was self in trying to get out of self I mean I was guilty of it which I'm not inherently but yes and it was awesome because the whole the whole facade collapsed it was like my spiritual pants fell down and I didn't pull them back off it's a good pocket you know because it's not I'm not getting out of here so now what's flooded flooded into this place is acceptance and as as being me I could never accept this it have to be more yeah it had to be better it had to be more special it had to be more devoted some the pressure was on the only way I got relief from it was seeing it's not me and then the urban project was cancelled there's this fucking what-you-see-is-what-you-get I'm not burning houses down I do not need to be observed I'm not fucking up much yeah I'm not burning houses down not robbing things I'm not lying none of that I mean when I needed to be highly observant I was now that I don't need to be then you can be but yeah and then that head that used to be like CNN news flashes all day is like Comedy Central it's hilarious up there it really is what comes up it's unbelievable its pettiness and vindictiveness is hilarious if it's not really displayed it is it's so smiling and it's so afraid because you know what the biggest fear it has it's well-founded is that it doesn't exist because it doesn't it's afraid to be found out so very it's like skirting like a cockroach very very very very afraid to come up against itself because there's nothing there really so we'll have you looking for a conceptual idea of the truth forever there's no problem with that but for you to stop and ask and just look parents to see it's like the famous Who am I you know ask Who am I then people go well the head goes me and who is that me it's sort of like going to a door of a house and knocking on it 500 times if no one's to answered the door it probably means there's no one home you know I mean so if you look if you look in and there's you know find anyone your private it's I wouldn't be doubtful about that there's no one home not as you think it's no way no freakin way so and you're not gonna lose individuality because you never had individuality this is just individual there's a unique little piece of broken glass that catches the light and reflects it in different weird ways I think it's cool really and you'll be more of an individual when you're not one tell you the truth really you will you'll be letting off so many fucking hooks and what would happen if you were assured that you know you can't lose you know really yeah you're not gonna miss the boat you're not gonna be the last you know you know heaven train isn't going to take off from the station without you I would hope that would bring us certain ease and comfort in your attitude and outlook thing you know over time at least you would be chilled out not because everything was great but because everything is everything right and you are that so I don't feel like there's any pressure about that and the great thing is I talked I used to share a lot in a age to do workshops and back then it was so obvious that had nothing to do with me it was order more like a hose and water yeah and I could just no matter what the hoses condition was if it was willing to be used the water would come through and I used to do this one workshop every Monday night for over 16 years I think so that's 52 Mondays and I was allowed into the country but I would say at least five and a half years of Monday's that's a lot of Mondays and all of those money's I was in a lot of different conditions you know sinus infections no money girlfriend just left waiting to hear if I had AIDS on this shit and yet I just went there sat there and something came through every time and when it was all those pressing things were totally forgotten in that hour completely as if they never existed because they didn't without me without me they don't exist and me was taken up by that water and therefore they did not exist they only get existence from me yeah they're not inherently so so all those years they made big impressions on me because I swear of two minutes before I was totally fucked and then I was lost I lost it all and then come back but after a while is something stabilized and that experience seems so rich became empty and like like all of it like all the experience would that would have been a super high spiritual experiences became another empty thing just like these giving these tongs but I've come to appreciate that emptiness now because I think most people are addicted to experience also this mate is one of the major ones and this isn't an experience you cannot experience what you are is what you are can you can experience what you are you know as what it's not fearing yeah but you cannot experience what you are you can't know it you can't be it you can only be it you can't understand it you can you can think you know what it doesn't you're untouchable either by you know selfing isn't it selfing see this what happens because I get a lot of people get in touch with me after they get an understanding and they go oh oh Paul I've been selling all day or they said something's been driving me crazy I said no that's not it it's the feeling of being the one that selfing or the one that's driven crazy yes so this one guy did it beautifully says alright boy I heard you a lot this is okay let's say let's call selfing Pauling alright so how much is Paul Pauling on a good day like 40% you know and then our bad day 90% and he went on with this whole idea and I said no no no no no no there's Pauling that implies the Paul see and he was a perfect illustration because he was at the after of that the Pauling had already implied the Paul and he was seeing Paul was doing the Pauling yes it's the perfect illustration when I'm trying to say with time he took that which came after to be before so there's Pauling that's used to imply the pall and then he spoke as if he was Paul and describing what he was doing as Pauling you see that's it that's the perfect illustration it's a trick in time so the verb being is claimed to imply the noun and then the noun gets captured by what comes after yes it's a tricky little thing it's like a bad deal with the devil you get to be the thinker and the doer and they have a-- but you also get to sense the incredible loss and be fucked by one thought yeah that's uh and really the payoff isn't worth the cost the truth I mean you'll be special and right but you'll be alone probably of course are you yeah because you are watch before as the scenes you're seeing what comes after and if if you see what comes after it's obvious it can't be that which is seeing which is before so you get to see what you're not and getting to see what you're not implies what you are that's what happens instead of forgetting what you're not and everything else being used to apply what you're not you see right what you're not being implied from what you are yeah and then there's really agitating if it gets murky then you get you'd go into you know skillful means it's sort of like here at one level everything's clear another level you could be in there's the houses on fire yeah and so you don't want to hear that there's no house and there's no fire when you really experience the house on fire you need to know where a pail of water is with the hopes that when they have fires put out you may ask the person isn't it sort of funny or add a lot of fires maybe you're like the firestarter I don't know you know me you just sort of leave them to see their own things but yeah don't try to use Nandu Audi like a skillful means it doesn't work just you know if you feel like you're fucked then do something to get a little relieved I mean your body seemed like it at the time really telling the truth didn't it's just like you know we talked about powerlessness in a I really experienced powerlessness there I don't know how much I needed to I guess I did but to not even know you know they basically didn't even tell you they were gonna operate really you just got wielded it out and used to tell that you were had another operation because the bandage locations they changed you'd have to ask them what and most of the doctors would come in not even look at your head they were very interested in my leg that's and the funny thing is the accident was so bad it had a great result because it was so bad they they airlifted me from the hospital they first took me to and put me brought me to a teaching hospital so they used me they had big portfolios of me and they experimented on me and which saved my leg so the worst thing happened and the best thing came out of it yeah I got incredible care but it was very impersonal because the doctors don't have a good bedside manner though I fell in love with the nurses but the doctors really barely even looked at you as a they were just interested in the leg and so I don't know what I can't make anything out of it i just you know i went to hellish realms for sure I don't know if I want to record this honey this part I'll tell you you have a minute I'll share I went into some incredible realms there yeah yeah I don't want to because then people go WOW I want to know about
just share basically the premise but let me rip a little bit because you know one of the great statements out of this book I'm not going to specifically stay in the book but which I saw as a diagnostic of what every day's like for every person here and it says basically hey you and I are the dreaming of this dream yeah we forget that we're dreaming no that's pretty damn interesting to me how could the Dreaming forget that it's dreaming yeah it's always dreaming how could you forget it yeah so what I found is all right how the dreaming seemingly forgets it in other words it appears to the Dreaming that it's forgotten yeah first of all has to have time to do it it would be impossible for this to seem real without time yeah so you and I on the dreaming of the dream we forget that we're dreaming and I believe how we forget that we're dreaming is we become identified as the dreamt yes and so suddenly as the dreamt now everything that we've been given meaning as the Dreaming suddenly coming through this now suddenly we are the dreaming of the Dreaming we forget that we're dreaming and then suddenly everything we we're dreaming now has the ability to affect us as the dreamt see so basically you can see it let's say there's a thought yeah a thought then there's a sense that it's your thought thought just a thought thought thought now it's held is your thought and now the thought owns you basically yeah one of your thoughts can ruin your day now if I saw the same thought as yours in my head it would not have the ability to rule my day but if I held it as mine it would have the ability it's not the thought yeah it's my dreaming let's at least get to the exact nature of what's happening or because you'll be pointing fingers at imaginary foes really you really will and I mean there's probably in this room at least sitting here we've experimented some of these people in this room for years and spirituality and there's a fail in seeking for what you already are it's bound to fail and that's actually its greatest service yeah if you spend all your time looking for what you are as what you're not it only does what it does it reinforces what you're not this is the whole thing of negation negation this is not about affirming oh well there is this law of a God consciousness it's just seeing are you affirmed all day or how you taking yourself to be to be is so if it isn't so maybe all you need to do is see what you're not and you'll find out that you are what you've been looking for but not as that which is looking yes that's the whole premise the whole premise where they all seem to meet so this first step is negation not affirmation it doesn't do any good for the dreamt to hear that it's the Dreaming what's your screw freaking everything up but it's really uncool if the dreaming here is it's not the dreamt that goes somewhere if the dreamt rise to here it's the one that's dreaming doesn't go anywhere but if the dreaming which is what we are here's that it's not the dream that goes away so my view from doing a lot of stuff and finally finding the Neath the failed nature of it all the corrections were available once you stopped applying the same failed system new systems would be revealed and so the system basically is called negation yeah so non duality and I'll get to recovery also non duality is a simple definition non means not yes and duality means two so there's duality as we see things here and then where we're seeing things here are from art is dualism yeah in other words sometimes you feel like you're the doer yeah sometimes you feel like you're the thinker and sometimes you know what's being thought about yeah sometimes you go home and think about someone else so that's means you're the subject and sometimes that thinking is turned on you and you're seen as an object yeah so there's subject-object miss all day and all that non-duality is saying is that's not true yeah and the point is pointless to try to arrive at what we call conceptually oneness as Tunis Tunis is too big to fit into oneness you have to see there is no Tunis and then you find something else yes I've tried looking for it from - it doesn't freaking work and we have it in our recovery program not in the book but through observation of practitioners of a a self can't get out of self what does what does that freaking mean it's me what you're identified with cannot get out of the identification as the identified yeah self can't get out of self so what's one to do because there's a huge urge to get out of something yeah I mean really it's uncomfortable irritable Restless I want to get out and this is how the system reinforces itself it will allow you to go down so many exits and they're only just entrances back into it because you're wanting to be free as what you're not that's what happened with me and my ninth year sobriety it struck me and now it was just a day you know something that struck me but then it found understanding in the big book really and the understanding came from page 64 because I said we'll just bounce and forth you know it doesn't hey or not it doesn't matter it's all leads well everything everything comes after not Wow yes so there's a statement in the big book of AAA right before we do this inventory process and basically the inventory process is you're going to look at three basic manifestations of self than one's life not you ourselves yeah so this statement is very clear about separating - it says being convinced which means to believe with certainty like right now not I was convinced or I'm going to be convinced being convinced it's a present tense state that self that self manifested in various ways is what has defeated us credibly beautiful statement because it separates us from self it says being convinced that self has defeated us how by my manifestations yeah it doesn't say being convinced that Paul Mary Jim Sue everything and naming every alcoholic manifested in various ways defeated bill Mary Jim and Sue it doesn't say that it says self and us so when I saw this statement I saw self the idea of self as a foreign installment or a pathogen or a parasitical fuckin idea yeah I saw it as other yeah clearly is clear is clearest it's never not been clear since this one day so being convinced that self manifested in various ways what has defeated us we will look at its selfs manifestations all right we're gonna write it down not talk about it but write it down in like a four four column inventory and we're gonna start with resentment you know resentment means to refeel something so we're gonna write down some of our resentments like who are we we said what did they do to us and then looking at how it affected our a little instinctual agenda and then see our own things which is ask four simple questions where am I or was I selfish self seeking frightened inconsiderate and dishonest okay so this is the problem though this is the problem because when you're identified as self when self manifests through you you call the manifestations yours see it's sort of like if Stan Lee manifested through me as Paul and every time one of Stanley's manifestations like anger and shit like that came through me Paul called it mind you would be in the act of being identified as family yes you're not Stanley but you're in the act of being identified as Stanley see this is the whole point you're never ident ever a self you have never annoyed will you ever be a long-lasting independent separate thing you're gonna pass away in 80 years so whatever you may be a hundred years who knows there's gonna be a termination point yeah but the mental state is in the act of being identified as itself all day yeah so it's always verbing that it's a self so when you go into your memories just look in your own life see it might be all you need is five minutes it reveals everything go into memories how are you pictured in memories as a body yes could you remember yourself as spirit three years ago were you in Hawaii as spirit did you catch that big wave of spirit did you buy those sandals for spirit I don't think spirit has shoes or feet yeah so obviously the memories the memory system right is based on you as a body you as a doer you as a think you as a feeler you as dis and this is so insane it actually claims to be consciousness it says I am the seer to hear the feeler the taste or inner touch and that imaginary you has nothing to do with seeing hearing feeling tasting touching ever the see there's so many times you didn't want to see something that you saw because your eyes are open and you're looking at direction consciousness is the basis of life conscious contact yes then the mental state comes after the conscious contacts and says I'm the one who's conscious that's the robbery that happens all day yeah it cannot happen but it can seem to be happening and how it seems to be happening because the mental state says you were Paul as a body you're definitely gonna be pulling the body why would I be so worried about you yeah as a body and therefore you are Paul as a body now it can't derive its own evidence it has to say I was and I will be therefore I am yeah I've seen it I've seen the whole robbery I have no big deal but I've seen it I've seen it from head to toe it's a magic trick in time and what it does is as a great mastery of your Arama tamashii ramen Aloha she is one of my idols he lived in diapers his whole life it was pretty cool live not a nut Mountain never went anywhere hey miss can you not look at the phone thank you yes please because we need to honor even if you don't like it let's honor the possibility yeah so Robin amahi had a beautiful statement to cut sort of to explain this situation and he he puts it in a lot of people wrote about his writing his teachings and in a lot of the books they did this is always mentioned ya and saying it in different ways but phrased as the greatest mystery or the problem so it had some importance in his teachings and it says there's a presupposing of a non-existent thing yeah which is this yeah this is being presupposed it's non-existent thing to be why existing yeah so the consciousness is mixed up with the body have you ever seen anyone you knew dead died didn't you have a hit that wasn't the person you thought it was yeah the body does not enlivened it's like I was mistaken the body for Uncle Fred but when I see the body without uncle Fred in it it was obvious it wasn't the body yes yes when did you like to get to that point now before so when does over your casket would it be cool to know now all right so he says this following is a beautiful statement presupposing with which is a time so you're supposing something but it presupposes itself this is the trick this is the trick you can see it the trick of the illusionary obscuring agent that you call you is done in time yeah so it goes like this there's a presupposing of a non-existent thing that's existing that wants to get salvation for the non-existent thing that's its intent yeah and it says if this is the case this is beautiful if if you're if this is the case your spiritual practices themselves are reinforcing the non-existent thing it's beautiful if this is the case that there's a mistaken identity then all the stuff you're doing to have salvation for that which you're not is reinforcing the reality of what you're not how can they destroy it how can your spiritual practices destroy a non-existent thing yes now to me when I went to talks it was like coming into a spiritual shoe store and some people put out some ideas like a pair of shoes and I put my foot in and some of them fit and I wore my ward yeah and this one was a very powerful statement because it when it downloaded in me just like so I have been trying I had been trying to get out of self as self since I was six years old and you can't transcend an imaginary place as an imaginary character even if you think this is real still has an imaginary non-existent thing you can't transcend it yeah so he says all right it's so beautiful pre supposedly or a non-existent thing and now that you feel taken to be existing at once salvation of cause it wants a lot of stuff from one of them salvation it wants salvation from itself but as itself this is the dilemma yeah it wants to have the experience of its absence but to be there to happen yeah it's a stubborn little drive so he says all right then if this is the case the spiritual practices themselves are reinforcing it not destroying it this fit I've been doing a lot of meditation doing a lot of stuff and it's ceased immediately because I realized these shoes fit yeah and then he a great Zen master I heard he's passed away 1,200 Hoang PO he said you can't use the Buddha to seek the Buddha you can't use mind big mind to seek mind you can't use light to seek white you can try it for eons nothing's gonna happen now if Hawaii PO was here and he was looking at us I would imagine he wouldn't be seeing us as Jill married Paul he would be seeing us as the Buddha so he was attempting to get through Jill to the Buddha and say to the Buddha you can't use yourself to find yourself the Buddha would have no trouble understanding that what's causing the misunderstanding you think you're hearing it at the point of identification you're taking you're hearing the message you can't use the Buddha to seek the Buddha so maybe you may stop doing something that's quite helpful for you as an action figure with just Buddhism I can't do practice Buddhism anymore I'm using the Buddha seek the Buddha the message isn't for you that's the whole point of coming here I'm not talking to you and it's not coming from me I'm throwing it over your head yeah and I can't miss because I'm throwing it at everywhere so I'm throwing at hopefully at what you're not what you are I don't because I know the defense system of what you're not it will catch everything that it comes in contact with and claim to be the one who heard the message that's what nude is the message it's a simple thing of the lion and the Sheep it's just an incredible simple example so there's a lion a mother lion and a cub and they're roaming around and the mother lion gets killed yeah so now the cub is sort of orphaned and it's roamings not doesn't know what's going on he sees this flock of sheep and it starts moving towards the sea now the Sheep know it's Alliance so they get a little bit anxious but they realize it doesn't even for you know it's a lion so it gets ingratiated into the sheep and tries to live like a sheep you know and it's it's out there chewing cud it's not that satisfying you know can't get a good - with those incisors you know it's like gets its hair curled and it's sitting around everyone's talking about who's going to be the next sweater and you know everyone's worried and it's it just keeps trying cuz it doesn't know any better and he meets another sheep a female sheep and they have kids the kids look a little strange but they rationalize that way oh yeah and then he becomes a big sheep elder but always a little dissatisfied as for what it is can't put his finger on it and then one day they're out there eating it on the Savannah and an old lion comes out starts running after the flock and then it sees a young lion from the corner of his eye he thinks is joining them the hunt but then it realizes just running with the Sheep so it fears off and he grabs the young lion throws it over and the young lion goes please miss the lion don't eat me on just the humble seed now the old lines pretty perplexed so he just grabs the young lion by the scruff of the neck brings him over to the waterhole puts both their heads out and the young lion sees the reflections yeah so he gets he's alive yeah then the old lion goes raw it doesn't have to take three months of roaring lessons it's a freaking lion has the ability right it's raw it's yeah now it didn't take any time to be what it already is all that needed to be corrected was its idea of being a sheep he didn't need to hear about being a lion as a sheep it wasn't gonna go anywhere it would be used to reinforce its cheapness it needed to hear about not being a sheep this is where I have trouble with a lot of spiritual direction and talks I think they try to explain and describe what we are but what we're not is hearing it and it doesn't go freakin anywhere it confuses you all you are is love and then you see you don't seem to be all a lot of time during the day it's very fucking frustrating I feel yeah all your just consciousness or give me a break you know this is the thing or there's no free will this thing thinks it has free will I mean really it's whole basis of the whole story is as free will and that whole story's that it's a doer why would you try to convince that to be something it isn't just see you're not that you don't have to keep talking to the Sheep you are lying you're lying you're lying no fucking explain right to the lion appearing as a sheep about what it is to be a sheet and the lion will get hey I'm not that yeah and in that that's how you find out what you are is by seeing what you're not that's the fourth that's the vehicle of negation it's not affirmation we don't talk about you're the ultimate void because it sounds like the void like is in Idaho or somewhere like a thing no all you need to find out is what you're not yeah so here a lot of us are trying to study what we are know what we are experienced what we are just turn it to what you're not study what you're not learn what you're not yeah understand what you're not because the only possibility you will have concerning yourself is to be in room and I'm saying you're being it right now but we just don't think so seriously the thinking is making something that's impossible seem to be solved well we were just at this talk yesterday in Maryland a guy had an 8 month old baby there was that it was the main speaker though no one knew it because the kids there's no one home there's no person or whatever it's just and it's the most freaking attractive thing yeah someone could come with forty thousand dollars worth of clothing thirty thousand dollars worth of plastic surgery the eyes would always go on the baby because it's they're completely there because there's no one there we grew into this freakin idea that we're something and now we want to even if we want to grow out of it we want to grow out of it as to something see this is how everything gets it's just a robbery and I feel like every one of us like it or not has the right to hear a new freaking idea because she's gonna be given the same old same old this is where you're starting and that's where you want to arrive at why does it seem like the more you look the harder it is to find because you are what you're looking for and you're using what you want to look for something else says all the great masters say Francis said it what's looking is what you're looking for how are you gonna get around that what's looking is what you're looking for doesn't say who's looking what's looking yeah and then the great masters you know the seeker is the sort yes it's always always always this way the seeker is the sort that which you're seeking that which you're seeing is or is that it's already so but see it doesn't make any sense to this so just see you're not this and then shit starts making sense so how does the obscuring occur in recovery you can see it obscure occurs the mental state claims that's all it does it claims so conscious context happening they're seeing hearing feeling tasting touching like all day the mental state claims to seeing hearing feeling tasting touching to imply the seer the hero of the Fela the taster and the touch that's what it does so it derives at it being something by claiming what's actually happening so there's thoughts happening it claims the thoughts to imply the thinker yes feelings are happening it tell it uses the feelings to imply a feeler there's not a feeler that's feeling there's feelings that are being used to imply the feeler you see it there's feelings happen from there in and then there's a mental process that uses the feelings to imply a feeling so that which comes after is implied or pre supposed to be before that's the Rob so consciousness is now seen as I'm conscious I'm the one Paul is conscious give me a freakin break this is way before the idea of you will do it after this a little bit yeah yeah I only allow about what one a year one question a year and on certain months so I'm just so claiming so how is the rep house claiming in English represented the word mine yeah my that little feeling so here his thoughts thoughts thoughts all day now the thoughts are claimed to imply something now you call my thoughts so we thought is pointing somewhere yes to the thinker yeah you never see the thinker you just see the thoughts but the thoughts imply there's a thing good yeah have you ever seen the thinker yeah thoughts yes feelings feelings feelings yeah my feelings my feelings my feelings thousands of activities being claimed to imply the one yeah it's a robbery thoughts tell the difference the difference between our thought and my thought is used if you could way thoughts let's say you had a thousand thoughts go through and you wait and let's just make up a number and a yeah so that means you travel with a thousand ounces a day you're used to it could be heavy but you're used to it alright so now you have the same amount of thoughts a thousand but you ant the word mine to it and now it's eight ounces each store yeah so now you're carrying 500 pounds a day yeah not from the thoughts the thoughts are still a thousand thoughts but the my has added a lot of weight to them that's why I said I could be sitting right next to someone who's totally flipping out listening to their thoughts and it doesn't there's no contagion I don't pick it up but if I had the same thoughts screwing her up and I see them as mine they have the ability to screw me up it's the mind you might as well get to the exact nature of what's happening here how are you gonna see if all you're looking is is dispersed you're just looking into holes see see what's happening what's happening is something in the mental arena not my mental is claiming the activities of being alive to imply the one who's alive and so I when you were a kid I was in an abusive situation and so I saw a life is happening basically yeah was I trying to get into the moment no I hadn't entertained the insane insane idea I could be out of a moment was I worried will I be playing next week no I didn't have time set up yet was I asking my mother to come into my bedroom hey how was I playing today mom you think I'm playing you know none of that was going on this all grew into it as the brain developed yes and Sully what happened suddenly that life that is happening is is turned into life's happening to me it's called self sentence you see everything is how it pertains to you and it becomes the addiction really the original addiction when I when I did drugs and alcohol I was just trying to get out of me really I didn't know I was stopped by trying to get out of me as me that means unbelievable and if you see that as the original addiction I did tons of cocaine you know in this life I didn't but in this life tons of drugs but I never thought I was cocaine never at that point no matter how much I did my how much I loved it and how much I would give everything I could get from you and from myself over to it I never took myself to be cocaine we're actually starting at that point were identified as the fixation of the mind it doesn't even get noticed until we get addicted to something else but the addiction of all those other addictions trying to get out of this one we're trying to get out of me as me that's the dilemma yeah it keeps your eating your own town so this idea that I'm speaking about I call it selfing because I don't believe there's any nouns here at all tell you the truth I don't believe nouns I think nouns are derived by claiming verbs really I think there's an action and then it's used to apply the actor I don't think the actor stands alone without claiming actions just don't I don't have that's how I've seen so I call it the selfing which is the mental processes when our attention is not ours personal but attention and interest goes up into their mental processes it catches them in the act of being identified as a thing really so if you going to memories you pictured as a thing if you go through perceptions you're seeing things and you believe other things are seeing you as a thing and if you go into the thought system the thought system it assumes your thing so that's all it's talking about yeah so that attention interest in the mental processes is in the act of being identified as a self now there is no noun self it's a whole verb the act of being identified as is so yeah that's the verb that's the bondage of self it's an activity that their mental state is in and if our attention and interest is given over to it we will experience its pangs and its concerns yes we will take ourselves to be a thing hmm we will take ourselves to be the thinker and then the thoughts can law it so much power over us they can ruin a whole holiday one thought a feeling can ruin your month held as a feeling as the feeling yes an action you can crucify yourself for 30 years for something you thought you did especially under the influence when the step the first step says we were powerless over alcohol and drugs and to me palace would mean you're dancing with the gorilla you're going to stop when the gorilla wants to stop yet the head is still harvesting guilt and shame from all that behavior where has to relief their the only way I could get freed from it is to see I was other than in if I didn't see that I wish I would still be trying to be free as it and that's what it was explained to me I saw that sentence and I saw I was not solved by sword as a parasitical movement or a foreign installment or pathogen doesn't matter mine works in images if you can picture it as other the first possibility that arises if you see it as others I can be free from it and when I entertain that it told me in a flash I had been trying to be free acid since I've been about 5 or 6 years old it explained everything in one second and I saw exactly what those state in itself can't get out of self explained most of my life and you can't use the food to seek the Buddha explained most of my life or what's looking is what you're looking for and it's through the looking for it that you're blind to it that explains a lot of my life yeah and after those things were explained I didn't need tons of commentary or reinforcement my mind entertained the possibilities that were available and it led to certain places which transfer to this or translate as this as traveling lighter basically so I travel lighter and what I'm not for a long long time though and it doesn't mean everything goes great doesn't mean I'm exempt from anything it means I travel lighter through whatever life has in store for me as an action figure people dying I know having white however cancers and shit I can travel light or think with no thought and effort part more of an expression than a chords something changes and this expresses the change and it's very clear to this that it ain't the cause of the change because it had nothing freaking to do with it just like no you and power could relieve me of alcoholism but something relieved me of alcoholism in like a flash March 21st 1988 and I've never had a strong feeling or thought about alcohol or drugs cover the problem does not exist for me today yeah and the way that stabilizes is is is is if you see that you're not the problem then it doesn't exist as you anymore and that can stabilize if it only exists it doesn't exist for you it will again yes you'll have moments where it won't be existing but if it doesn't exist as you then the freedom stabilizes yeah because the root of it is being identified as what you're not and then living from there why need to find yourself as something other than what you are it's a mistaken identity and the same that's the same thing with a a I don't believe obsession itself is the root of the problem I think the mental state that's identified itself to reinforce the identification obsesses over itself all day it has to keep applying a glue to make it look like it's true and it's so amazing the the initial obsession is what claims to have all the other obsessions in your life so obviously it's like Dracula going out to kill vampires you never fuckin questioned vet Dracula yeah you don't see that that's the main obsession is the obsession with being a someone that's it that's the root of it yeah and you'll know it it's the root of it because if you get relief there you'll get relief down the ring the string you will and you'll know the tree by its fruit and the fruit will show you something is something is available and in a sense in a the beautiful thing is it's always available at all times right where you are because you are it no matter what thinking or feeling you are in you looking like this you know we were talking about yesterday what the mind what we are is sort of like a sky big open sky thousands of clouds go through it but none of them affect the sky do they you can have there probably be a July 4th celebration in great barrington but it won't rip the sky open look when you're when a planes flying through the air does it call the tower and say I ran into a big chunk this guy does it know everything happens and allowed the sky allows everything to happen in it but it's not affected by any of it that's what our mind is like and all the effects are from an uncaused condition and they're gonna stop in 80 or 90 years as if they were never happened never happened and they'll be dropped out tonight when you go to deep sleep this whole thing will be a race like an etch-a-sketch and then you wake up and and the agitation shakes it up and you're on another day but there is a solution and you'll know it if it dawns on you you will I mean we don't need outside authorities it'll be your own authority when this hit me it's like an unspoken yes and it's been reverberating ever since and here it turned into the last answer which is a damn good answer because that negates all need for any other answer concerning this topic so if you took a blood test and see what level of spirituality you have in me it's zero point zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero I've lost all interest in this as a topic completely you can't take yourself at the equation you are you're gonna distort as the observation everything that's observed that's what this does it obscures it's like we're a house of mirrors the elongate as we expand the apertures but the aperture facing this way is always brightly opened yes yeah so you have any questions I can go on longer if you want but the question don't think about it yet don't think too much I don't believe it I don't believe there's anyone who reincarnates but again this is dreaming so they can be dreaming of reincarnation and anything goes and dreaming yeah I believe this is dreaming I do not believe this is a dream that would mean it's a thing I believe it's an activity we're dreaming I don't believe anything happened but it all looks like it's always happening I don't think anything culminates into a happening yeah I just don't know but in this dreaming whatever you can imagine can be drugged and I believe you know as Jesus says as you believe so it is that's our role in dreaming so if you believe in reincarnation so it will be for you if you believe that there's aliens so it will be if you believe shamanism and that there's things that are feeding off of us like we feed off of cows and cattle so it is yes in the dreaming but in ultimately for me I don't believe the Dreaming has any reality to it I believe the dreaming is being is is that which is real is dreaming yeah and we have a statement in a a to me that captures it it says false evidence appears real which is an acronym for fear and I believe that's what the narration in one's head is mostly doing all day it's presenting false evidence to that which is real and if we believe it appears to be real because that's what we're doing you yeah false evidence appearing real has to be appearing real to what's real where else would it get a sense of reality other than be given to it by reality which is us that is Paul but as what we are yeah yeah if you read the costs you've got to come to that conclusion and there's a great thing in the course it says hey get this this is pretty interesting hey the brain interprets to the party of which it is apart so if the brain is collating all this information its collating it to the body it's seeing everything from the body's point of view and if you're not a body the message is you're gonna get you will not understand even though you've tried for a long time - it doesn't make any fucking sense to you and if we were here now and I as a kid came in and saw us worrying about next week me as Paul at 4 years old we did what the father let's go outside and play no I can't yes that spirit does not understand what the hell's going on here there's a great thing read on page 468 two paragraphs if I had it I would use it it's one of the greatest negations in the course of miracles and it says hey denying what you are and firm in faith in what you are not that what you're not that you have called yourself you is going to give you all the meaning of life basically and you won't be you won't see any reason to be suspicious unless you've been totally fogged and says addict an alcoholic and an addict alcohol you will know you through denial that any life run on selfs will what your knots will will hardly be accessed for those it won't yes has it no so this is a perfect description two paragraphs of negation it doesn't say one thing about what you are it just talks about what we're not because what you are needs to hear about what it's not because it's taking itself to be that so if that gets clear it will stop it will continue the mental state is going to continue to apply its you but all your stock will not be invested in it anymore your stock will now be invested in we're here we're now and you'll be available and you get frickin gypped you're not gonna be in the back forty when life's packages come you'll be ready they're signing them because you'll be present and available and therefore you'll be of service because why you are present and you are available there's no need to get into a moment because you can't be out of the moment you've never been out of any freaking moment it's a total total total it's unbelievable it's unbelievable that which is the moment thinks it has to get into the Lord that's freaking and saying did you ever read a whole book about how to get into a moment no everyone just reads a few chapters and but what is the next one how to really get into the moment it's speaking it's saying it's an addiction well I could recognize addicts but then I started going to spiritual groups and then I saw a spiritual addiction and it's much sly Mia because no one's going to come up to you and perform an intervention you go on retreat spend thirty five thousand dollars year after year hundreds of thousands of dollars and you'll be sitting there meditating all day they're not with you who's ever running it they know better they're drinking lattes in the back and eat some raw desserts I said yes you will go on and on and on and on it's a perfect business plan they can say may take lifetimes imagine if you order the couch and that they told you that offer oh the cow it may take lifetimes okay oh wait no you say fuck yet give me the couch of my money back and I'm just joking but it's it's true they should have a really a board to to read applications for retreats and if you've done 30 retreats so what you say no you know like the Soup Nazi no retreat for you maybe give the money to something else if it didn't work at the 25th it ain't working on the third first I had it once I was reading a magazine Buddhist magazine tricycle beautiful very nice color laminated great articles they had an op-ed in it from a famous Western meditation teacher and he was talking about this phenomenon he kept having with a lot of his old students they were all getting in touch with him and said hey nothing's happened and I just pulled the fucking emergency brake on the bus I get let me out cancel my subscription why am I gonna keep doing for 25 years where these people just told me it doesn't fucking work you tell me if I have blood pressure it's good to meditate but not for thirteen hours you must think you're going somewhere if you're sitting in Thailand like I did for three weeks not having much food losing a pound a day sitting for 13 hours I wasn't doing that for maintenance of the body brain I was thinking I was going somewhere that's spiritual addiction to me it's just like an any other drug actually it's worse you can't even get a good shot do you believe that someone spontaneously oh it can for sure but so can reading the phone book really if you're the dreaming of the Dreaming you can go any way you want and there's a beautiful statement out of the course which is and then you go back as one of the most soothing statements at least for me and it says you know whether you and I are the dreaming of the Dreaming or the dreaming of the dream yeah and we're gonna dream ourselves out of the dream and as we do the dreams gonna get happier so here is an activity in the Dreaming and hopefully our minds are using this to dream itself out of the Dreaming it's beautiful so you don't have to deny of negated everything as you know in a a everything that I thought had no value has been found to have great value in use and recovery yeah everything I believe here is salvageable if surrendered to the right force and in the course they have the Holy Spirit in a we have the higher power in my view of that idea the Holy Spirit was sort of here's the information we just said that the brain is taking in and interpreting it to the body yeah now this Holy Spirit or the higher power will take the same information and interpret it to the spirit it's unbelievable really what you how you would see it from the body's view or the individual is totally different the same information if it's seen from the spirits point of view it's so beautiful really so this there's all this information being gathered and it pretty it produces a case yeah the mental state has a case against you really it says you've done so many terrible things there's no way you're ever gonna get any you know it says have you been convicted really tons of times and basically we're just waiting out of settings and trying to get some extra crowns or really I mean this is the biggest hook world under is the hook of self yeah so let's say what would happen if that information that was being gathered in and collated and directed by the mental state suddenly there was another supervisor let's say Holy Spirit higher power whatever you want to call it just an aspect of my yeah in the dreaming yeah and now that mind takes the same information but its results are totally vastly different and then you see nothing goes to waste there's nothing that nothing that has not been used even failed systems have shown you that their failed which is incredibly valuable unbelievable valuable to realize that systems value so that you'll be left with your own devices and then realize they're not your devices really what you're going your devices are and your devices and this idea of we manufacture our own misery no we provide the facility for the mental state to manufacture of misery we provide the factory and the mental state uses it to produce misery we're not the producer of the misery we're the recipient of the misery yes we're not the producer of the misery in my view so you can see it in so many beautiful ways and find the ways that trigger a sense beltless like to me all the statements I use over and over again create the same sense I've had when I first read them they're like an avalanche of sense beltless of what a fucking total total absolution from all the imaginary sins you know there's nothing that you and I did that ever lasts oh never leaves a lasting impression on what we are we're not that important really it didn't ever happen yes it seems to be happening that's the atonement the atonement is realizing nothing happened that's why forgiveness can't be perfect because it gives a reality to something that's not real so it leads to atonement which is seeing that nothing ever happens so there's nothing to forgive so what happens you get left exactly like you've always been and then your head would think it arrived there but if it thinks it a ride there when it arrives it says it's always been this way so was there any there wasn't so it's always been this case why not have let a little of it in to this life you're the you're the portal there's no one other than you if it comes through someone else you have you ever shared and then you had an idea what you were saying and people came up to I really liked what you said they tell you and you like that was not anywhere near what I was trying to say so you realize tis your jurisdiction is over here I don't know what you're gonna do with it and I hope you don't fuckin pin it on me either way yeah because I have nothing really to do with it I'm just like a Toyota that something drove the Great Barrier Barrington wherever and then I unloaded something and now I Drive somewhere else I don't get anything out of this that's this my head this body this brain was looking for something for years even though I was clear nothing was happening it still thought I'm gonna get a lot out of nothing and then it really hopefully yours going real a I'm not getting shit this no I mean there's nothing for the action figure in this nothing it can't it can't look back and see it's a head of somebody and not it's nothing like that there's not like oh what's new and non-duality for 2019 nothing the same same same it's just always available at all times just stop looking for the one from the two and let the one see the two and realize it's not that instead of you trying to use the two to get to the one all the while being the one masquerading is to sometimes you say something in my mind is school because I see it just quiets and what's the difference between that and then when you have the aperture you said yeah yeah well the aperture allows a lot of landings to become normal ordinary yeah when the aperture is small the landing may look really big and then mine can make a lot out of that also then you think you've had an epiphany it's so funny if you look at when epiphanies end it you usually coincides with the thought I'm having an epiphany as soon as you show up it seems to be over the fuckin case so what would happen if you had a clarity that when that showed up it wasn't you then you wouldn't even have that really there wouldn't be that desire for an epiphany you'd realize you are what you were hoping to see in the Epiphany at all times yeah but not with all the fireworks see fireworks working with a dark night you need contrast this isn't a contrast it isn't it's Ordinary that's why the mind doesn't see any value in it it's like ordinary dog should awareness you're not you didn't wake up you're inherently awake the mental state would love to wake up because then it would be it waking up this is you're already awake yeah but you just believe in you're not really so then you see you're not that which is believing innate and then it becomes obvious I'm seeing hearing feeling tasting touching with no thought of effort you don't see how can you not see consciousness as a weakness it's conscious and it's not I'm not going to see in classes on you what do I feel you know am I so exhausted I've seen so much today no my eyes may hurt but not that what you see yeah it has an infinite amount of itself and it's demonstrating no thought of effort to be itself why would you believe through thought and effort you would arrive at what's demonstrates no flaw and effort it seems crazy yeah and I really believe most spirituality if they just told the truth about it it's for the body in the brain and it's great meditations fucking great for the nervous system in the brain and maybe and everyone has in a desire maybe the better than Toyota but the Toyotas not going to be a Lamborghini it's not a chariot of the god I don't polish my Toyota 13 hours a day I just make sure I can see through the windshield and guess me where I'm going you know and I honor it and I maintain it but I'm not adoring it and I definitely and this poor thing cannot be the center of the universe it's saying all that light of our mind like a you Sun concentrated will burn whatever it puts itself on can you imagine being constantly thought of you have kids yeah the amount of thoughts that you've had about for your four or five kids doesn't even get close to the amount of thoughts you've had of you thin of you the obsessive itself is unbelievable it's the most gardened the most fertilized the most fucking groomed the most most it is so much interest of attention has been sucked into that black hole yeah so that the wot cannot be so can seem to be so you know it's good to have a little break what you do about nothing so with a a it's so CAA is a way of life that will allow illumination to extend non-duality is the illuminating factor to me but AAA is a wave like psyche when I got struck sober if I wasn't introduced to a the next day that thing would have dissipated probably in two days that surrender that turned into surrendered over time would have been gone by Wednesday probably and I would have probably been used on Thursday it would have just been forgotten but suddenly I had this download and immediately out of out of unseen circumstances I was brought to a a the next morning and I've been going ever since and so AAA allowed in for this to extend without a a without a way of loud life without principles it would have just dissipated like exhaust I saw the demonstration of it I saw that something that my mother wanted to happen the state wanted to happen I wanted to happen like me not wanting to use a drink no human power could do it and something brought it about and so that something wasn't a thing to me and that demonstration because active alcoholism and addiction was the biggest influence of my life up until then I can run over twice by a car one night through due to alcoholism I spent two years and three months in programs been out in and out of jails I laid in the hospital bed for ten fucking runs you know this thing that parasite used me for transportation and took me on a real hellish ride real hellish ride so for something to to appear and stop it in its tracks never have it to regenerate again with any power to me is beyond comprehension you so that was the demonstration in this life and then non-duality was a different kind of fruition of that which was intimated by that demonstration there was a whole lot more the whispers became very loud with the non-duality idea of that yeah so yeah but do I believe I was an addict no do I believe I'm recovered no I think there was addiction and recovery I think everything is burping I do and it's a perfect dualistic statement addiction recovery like two wings of the same butterfly yes we're all having those yeah pendulum swings this way this way we're constantly ebbing and flowing the action figure in a sea of high-lows that's what's happening and yet we want to stop everything from moving and it's sort of like trying to get these books in a row that are on like one of those massage of beds it's just agitated you want you figure if I get my outside circumstances my emotions my finances and like my love and you know and then you reach this is working out at nine o'clock and 902 although all the conditions changed because everything's volatile there's no peace - no matter how hard you put - all that blocks they're not gonna stand yeah it's but this place comes and goes and then we're sitting in agitation they say a thing in Buddhism they said the Four Noble Truths and my little idea of that so the first truth is there's malaise or suffering it's like every dukkha means more like a malaise a vague discomfort right so buddha said you know root of the problem what's causing it is desire okay all right so if you see suffering as that this malaise yeah and then desires what stirring it yeah so to me the original movement of desire is the mental states desire to become and unbecoming so the mental state wants to become a self wants to become a thing separate long-lasting independent yeah and then it wants to unbe come what it believes it is which it isn't like a loser or not lovable so it's constantly wanting to become a nun become like a slinky so one movement generates the other move gentleman generates the other moment so to me that's the initial agitation then a great master and the faith minds you have every faith mind beautiful four-page thing then and in faith mining says you can't use activity to produce stillness that would be activity so here's his agitation looking for peace when it finds peace it gets agitated around it yeah because it's also in time so when it's feeling peace today says why be feeling it tomorrow there goes the peace yes so as soon as the is taken to be the main proponent it affects the whole equation and would keep trying to change the numbers of the equation but not the common number and the really the mathematics of this place the cot the primary number isn't one it's zero it's nothing nothing is the primary number the mental logic the mental math is one us and we're trying to change all the other numbers but keep one in there and it's not going to work it hasn't and it's not going to and it's not going to be more time that's gonna make it work or harder effort because it's not because you're influencing whatever you come in contact with and you don't know how you're influencing it you don't know how the head is using what it's seeing all I know is it's gonna claim it and it's going to use it to imply you and that you is going to be a memory a past and idea and sometimes you'll have 30 years of evidence you're not a loser yet you'll still feel like one fucking every fucking day so you no matter how many times you wash you you never get clean because what you are overrides this you and I outshine circumstances and situations we're giving everything all the meaning it has I've seen it over and over again I see people who are in recovery sitting there thinking they're not recovered you know because they really like to shoot coke but you're not you're here but you know they want to accept that the head won't just wants you out it just wants you out it was one thought to break the surface and compel an action so it can tattoo you with the consequences it just wants you to say out loud one time to your girlfriend or boyfriend I hate you because you had to come through 50 times but you never say it the ones time you say it you go home drink you forget about it but your girlfriend hasn't nor all her friends who she called and now you were tattooed by that one thought because he got out here yes I've been tattooed this came from a thought I got run over 38 years ago and it still hasn't effect on the physicality every spark in second of every day and it was compelled by a thought I was already safely at home it was nothing happening a freezing cold night in Long Island Sunday bar I had been to only a waiter waitress and a bartender I went home 10:30 11:00 my head started going off saying a big party may errupted back there so I drove back there and I never made it across the street a guy ran me over didn't know what he hit so he backed up to see and he ran me over again twice then I came to in a hospital bed and there's Paul in a hospital movie now for fucking 10 months in a 3 by 7 fucking foot world talk and then have you ever had it when something was happened to you and you could not take anymore times a thousand that's what happened to me every fucking day I could not take fucking anymore and yet more kept coming yeah it was just unbelievable so I know what happens when this thing gets to come out here yeah and the only and I'll tell you something what springs it out here is when it's seen as your thought your thought will drive you to do shit that a thought would never do but feeling it's your that has the own because you are the power that idea that we say in recovery you gotta quit playing God it doesn't work yeah what's playing God but the head you wake up in the morning and the thoughts tell you what the day's gonna be you haven't even gotten up yet he's gonna see how it's gonna suck you know fucking and you believe it so you don't go to work and you do get fired you're thinking I'm gonna get fired so he then you get fired right so it's playing God this is the trouble though so then it's that which is playing God which is I'm saying is the quickest process whatever you come in contact with the selfing process is less than a second or two that is so if you're meditating it's going to use the meditation to apply the meditator so fast I believe a process and time could beat it I just don't see it yeah I just don't see it where was I going with that I know I've heard some of this national stuff many years ago I was in the realization I think it was the idea like men personal until it does yeah that's why I'm yeah people call me up three years later and they think I understand it I didn't understand and you know I was practicing you know doing a lot of meditation just never came up I had a urine from outside myself and when I did hear it though it registered I knew I entertained it and I stopped going to hear about it and I just listened to what was happening and it verified itself completely and how it did it really informed me that everything it was warning me about I've been in for so many years I was using the Buddha to seek the Buddha I was self in trying to get out of self I mean I was guilty of it which I'm not inherently but yes and it was awesome because the whole the whole facade collapsed it was like my spiritual pants fell down and I didn't pull them back off it's a good pocket you know because it's not I'm not getting out of here so now what's flooded flooded into this place is acceptance and as as being me I could never accept this it have to be more yeah it had to be better it had to be more special it had to be more devoted some the pressure was on the only way I got relief from it was seeing it's not me and then the urban project was cancelled there's this fucking what-you-see-is-what-you-get I'm not burning houses down I do not need to be observed I'm not fucking up much yeah I'm not burning houses down not robbing things I'm not lying none of that I mean when I needed to be highly observant I was now that I don't need to be then you can be but yeah and then that head that used to be like CNN news flashes all day is like Comedy Central it's hilarious up there it really is what comes up it's unbelievable its pettiness and vindictiveness is hilarious if it's not really displayed it is it's so smiling and it's so afraid because you know what the biggest fear it has it's well-founded is that it doesn't exist because it doesn't it's afraid to be found out so very it's like skirting like a cockroach very very very very afraid to come up against itself because there's nothing there really so we'll have you looking for a conceptual idea of the truth forever there's no problem with that but for you to stop and ask and just look parents to see it's like the famous Who am I you know ask Who am I then people go well the head goes me and who is that me it's sort of like going to a door of a house and knocking on it 500 times if no one's to answered the door it probably means there's no one home you know I mean so if you look if you look in and there's you know find anyone your private it's I wouldn't be doubtful about that there's no one home not as you think it's no way no freakin way so and you're not gonna lose individuality because you never had individuality this is just individual there's a unique little piece of broken glass that catches the light and reflects it in different weird ways I think it's cool really and you'll be more of an individual when you're not one tell you the truth really you will you'll be letting off so many fucking hooks and what would happen if you were assured that you know you can't lose you know really yeah you're not gonna miss the boat you're not gonna be the last you know you know heaven train isn't going to take off from the station without you I would hope that would bring us certain ease and comfort in your attitude and outlook thing you know over time at least you would be chilled out not because everything was great but because everything is everything right and you are that so I don't feel like there's any pressure about that and the great thing is I talked I used to share a lot in a age to do workshops and back then it was so obvious that had nothing to do with me it was order more like a hose and water yeah and I could just no matter what the hoses condition was if it was willing to be used the water would come through and I used to do this one workshop every Monday night for over 16 years I think so that's 52 Mondays and I was allowed into the country but I would say at least five and a half years of Monday's that's a lot of Mondays and all of those money's I was in a lot of different conditions you know sinus infections no money girlfriend just left waiting to hear if I had AIDS on this shit and yet I just went there sat there and something came through every time and when it was all those pressing things were totally forgotten in that hour completely as if they never existed because they didn't without me without me they don't exist and me was taken up by that water and therefore they did not exist they only get existence from me yeah they're not inherently so so all those years they made big impressions on me because I swear of two minutes before I was totally fucked and then I was lost I lost it all and then come back but after a while is something stabilized and that experience seems so rich became empty and like like all of it like all the experience would that would have been a super high spiritual experiences became another empty thing just like these giving these tongs but I've come to appreciate that emptiness now because I think most people are addicted to experience also this mate is one of the major ones and this isn't an experience you cannot experience what you are is what you are can you can experience what you are you know as what it's not fearing yeah but you cannot experience what you are you can't know it you can't be it you can only be it you can't understand it you can you can think you know what it doesn't you're untouchable either by you know selfing isn't it selfing see this what happens because I get a lot of people get in touch with me after they get an understanding and they go oh oh Paul I've been selling all day or they said something's been driving me crazy I said no that's not it it's the feeling of being the one that selfing or the one that's driven crazy yes so this one guy did it beautifully says alright boy I heard you a lot this is okay let's say let's call selfing Pauling alright so how much is Paul Pauling on a good day like 40% you know and then our bad day 90% and he went on with this whole idea and I said no no no no no no there's Pauling that implies the Paul see and he was a perfect illustration because he was at the after of that the Pauling had already implied the Paul and he was seeing Paul was doing the Pauling yes it's the perfect illustration when I'm trying to say with time he took that which came after to be before so there's Pauling that's used to imply the pall and then he spoke as if he was Paul and describing what he was doing as Pauling you see that's it that's the perfect illustration it's a trick in time so the verb being is claimed to imply the noun and then the noun gets captured by what comes after yes it's a tricky little thing it's like a bad deal with the devil you get to be the thinker and the doer and they have a-- but you also get to sense the incredible loss and be fucked by one thought yeah that's uh and really the payoff isn't worth the cost the truth I mean you'll be special and right but you'll be alone probably of course are you yeah because you are watch before as the scenes you're seeing what comes after and if if you see what comes after it's obvious it can't be that which is seeing which is before so you get to see what you're not and getting to see what you're not implies what you are that's what happens instead of forgetting what you're not and everything else being used to apply what you're not you see right what you're not being implied from what you are yeah and then there's really agitating if it gets murky then you get you'd go into you know skillful means it's sort of like here at one level everything's clear another level you could be in there's the houses on fire yeah and so you don't want to hear that there's no house and there's no fire when you really experience the house on fire you need to know where a pail of water is with the hopes that when they have fires put out you may ask the person isn't it sort of funny or add a lot of fires maybe you're like the firestarter I don't know you know me you just sort of leave them to see their own things but yeah don't try to use Nandu Audi like a skillful means it doesn't work just you know if you feel like you're fucked then do something to get a little relieved I mean your body seemed like it at the time really telling the truth didn't it's just like you know we talked about powerlessness in a I really experienced powerlessness there I don't know how much I needed to I guess I did but to not even know you know they basically didn't even tell you they were gonna operate really you just got wielded it out and used to tell that you were had another operation because the bandage locations they changed you'd have to ask them what and most of the doctors would come in not even look at your head they were very interested in my leg that's and the funny thing is the accident was so bad it had a great result because it was so bad they they airlifted me from the hospital they first took me to and put me brought me to a teaching hospital so they used me they had big portfolios of me and they experimented on me and which saved my leg so the worst thing happened and the best thing came out of it yeah I got incredible care but it was very impersonal because the doctors don't have a good bedside manner though I fell in love with the nurses but the doctors really barely even looked at you as a they were just interested in the leg and so I don't know what I can't make anything out of it i just you know i went to hellish realms for sure I don't know if I want to record this honey this part I'll tell you you have a minute I'll share I went into some incredible realms there yeah yeah I don't want to because then people go WOW I want to know about
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